The sad tale of the drunken celebrant by James Oakley

My friends and I were really excited to be guests at a mutual friend’s wedding. We had all been at university together and they really wanted us all to be guests on their special day and not have to do anything to help. Very kind of them to want to look after us like this.

Unfortunately they left it late to book their celebrant and so they were lumbered with, let’s call him ‘Barry’ (names have been changed!).

Barry was visibly drunk. He slurred words. He got the bride’s name wrong. He looked sweaty and scruffy. He made a number of inappropriate ‘jokes’ including one about there being a child locked in a cupboard under his stairs. If there was a checklist of everything you didn’t want from your celebrant, Barry ticked every box.

When it came to the party the bride and groom spent the first hour or so embarrassed and apologising for the conduct of their celebrant, when they should have been relaxing and enjoying themselves.

It’s a real shame they had this experience, when I know most Humanist celebrants have professional standards. They were very unlucky.

Text by James Oakley, image from Library